Sunday, 22 December 2013

Feeling a little more positive, been to the shops with the children, they are happy, they have onesies for Christmas day.
They also asked me to buy daddy one, he has a tiger onesie with a tail and whiskers.
I enjoy cooking, so roast beef in the oven now and all the usual Sunday dinner trimmings.
Will try to maintain the positivity for the remainder of the day.
Showered now,kids are home, happy voices fill the house.
I am just an onlooker in my home.
I don't want to watch any more, I want to take part.
I will fight this, I need to fight this, I want to fight this.
I want to reclaim me from this mind prison.
I am going to use this blog, to just say how I feel how i am coping or not as the case maybe.  I can read and reflect each day on what I am doing feeling or not.
I will hope to see myself change and grow from this.
I am functioning on such a low level, perhaps this will allow me to move forward.  Seeing my life in black and white.
Sitting here, waiting for the children to return from a sleepover at grandmas house.
I want to see their beautiful faces so much, but I cannot feel the beauty.
The reality is I have never felt so alone in my whole life.
It is so difficult maintaining a facade of normality.  Whilst inside I am tortured with feelings of misery, inadequacy, self loathing, self judgement, guilt; to many negatives to mention.
I know what I need to do, but, I am trapped within my own mind.
I have to use the facade and grab it by both hands and make it a reality.
Am I capable of doing this?  Today no, tomorrow who knows........
I need to plan and then put this into action, step by step, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.
It will be hard work, perhaps too hard, but this misery will not defeat me.
Too strong for too long, perhaps not.
As a colleague of mine once said, it's a grand life if you don't weaken.  Perhaps I have weakened to the point of breaking.
I am now starting to think this is a silly idea, will this help me, putting this all down in words.  Not feeling so positive today.
But part of me thinks, if it doesn't help me, it might help someone else, before it is too late.

Saturday, 21 December 2013

Oh here we go again, the story so far

The other half couldn't handle or understand the depression, he left us in 2011 to live at his mums.  It was a hard time, we protected the children.  To be honest i don't think they even realised he had gone, because mummy does everything anyway.

But things get worse, I was happy while he was away, in the sense I took control and responsibility.
Then he moved back in, life changed,

i did things, that i just don't understand why....., terrible terrible things, with life changing consequence