Feeling a little more positive, been to the shops with the children, they are happy, they have onesies for Christmas day.
They also asked me to buy daddy one, he has a tiger onesie with a tail and whiskers.
I enjoy cooking, so roast beef in the oven now and all the usual Sunday dinner trimmings.
Will try to maintain the positivity for the remainder of the day.

Showered now,kids are home, happy voices fill the house.
I am just an onlooker in my home.
I don't want to watch any more, I want to take part.
I will fight this, I need to fight this, I want to fight this.
I want to reclaim me from this mind prison.

I am going to use this blog, to just say how I feel how i am coping or not as the case maybe.  I can read and reflect each day on what I am doing feeling or not.
I will hope to see myself change and grow from this.
I am functioning on such a low level, perhaps this will allow me to move forward.  Seeing my life in black and white.

Sitting here, waiting for the children to return from a sleepover at grandmas house.
I want to see their beautiful faces so much, but I cannot feel the beauty.

The reality is I have never felt so alone in my whole life.
It is so difficult maintaining a facade of normality.  Whilst inside I am tortured with feelings of misery, inadequacy, self loathing, self judgement, guilt; to many negatives to mention.
I know what I need to do, but, I am trapped within my own mind.
I have to use the facade and grab it by both hands and make it a reality.
Am I capable of doing this?  Today no, tomorrow who knows........
I need to plan and then put this into action, step by step, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.
It will be hard work, perhaps too hard, but this misery will not defeat me.
Too strong for too long, perhaps not.
As a colleague of mine once said, it's a grand life if you don't weaken.  Perhaps I have weakened to the point of breaking.

I am now starting to think this is a silly idea, will this help me, putting this all down in words.  Not feeling so positive today.
But part of me thinks, if it doesn't help me, it might help someone else, before it is too late.

Oh here we go again, the story so far

The other half couldn't handle or understand the depression, he left us in 2011 to live at his mums.  It was a hard time, we protected the children.  To be honest i don't think they even realised he had gone, because mummy does everything anyway.

But things get worse, I was happy while he was away, in the sense I took control and responsibility.
Then he moved back in, life changed,

i did things, that i just don't understand why....., terrible terrible things, with life changing consequence

So christmas approaches, do I care, no.  Am I bothered that the kids have only a tree with lights.  No other decorations apart from cards.  I suppose I should feel bothered, a normal person would be bothered , not me.  I am bothered that they have only 8 presents each, why only 8, mmmmm, because I just don't care anymore, the other half does the shopping, explains it all i think, but this then, makes me feel worse, because he is male and doesn't care anyway.  So I now feel even worse, more failure more misery.... Mummy why don't you smile, errr can;t answer that one, is the frequent question

Well, I have registered with mums net to get my blog noticed, lord knows why,
Maybe because I want to help other people before it is too late for them, before they go down this path of doom.

Don't ever get me wrong, I seem or appear to love my children, but all I feel is guilt.  Is this good enough, do I give them enough (time, care, ears etc)

I have neglected myself beyond belief, I no longer care what I look like, I have not had my hair cut in over 18 months, my colour. highlights have grown out, I am now fashionable, cos it looks like dip dye.  My nails are broken, my hands are dry, my skin is a mess, but do I care.... if I did I would do something about it, surely I would.

Well here I am, 3 years after being diagnosed with post natal depression.  Am I now well..... no.  Am I miserable yes.  Am I unhappy yes.  Am I tormented yes.  Am I a failure yes.  Am I completely out of control, unreliable, selfish, helpless and unaccountable yes.

The story begins.

I had a happy good life.
I had 2 children, I became a robot, no feelings, anxious, failing at every thing, so I believed.  I was emotionless.  I looked at my childrens faces, I felt nothing, not really, only the things, I supposed I should feel.  Inside I think I only felt resentment.

I was holding down a job, looking after the children, the house, the other half.  One day in December 2010, I woke up, but could no longer function, it just hit me, wham, I just stopped, time stopped, life stopped, I stopped.
Tick tick tick, clearly the bomb had been ticking for sometime, I just didn't hear it.

I have changed beyond belief, I no longer recognise myself, infact as I sit here tonight  (December 2013) typing this blog, I despise myself.  3 long years, since diagnosis, I am probably worse now, than I was in the beginning.

I want things to be different, but am I able to change them.

The drugs have stopped working, or maybe they are the problem.  Ah Cymbalta how you helped me, oh and how you have demonised me.
Is it me who is this unknown person or is it you who has changed me?

Why am I doing this?  Good question.  I have to move on, I have to change what is in front, before, I either breakdown totally or just carry on miserably plodding along.
I need to see my story unfold for me to feel that I am real, that I do exist as a person, I want connections.  I feel like Pinocchio, someone else is pulling my strings, but I want to be a real person again.  Perhaps by doing this, even if no one reads it, I can express what I cannot vocalise.

Anyway, tonight is just back ground. For now I will leave it.